Song Parody! Laser Tag Paradise by Richard J. (R.J.) Adams

What Kind of Lemming, er, Player are You?

Some of the Australian Zone3 folks compiled this. It seems that they have a strong fascination with the computer game "Lemmings" down under, and although there is much laughter to be found, there is also much truth. Which Lemming are you???

We've all heard of that computer game "Lemmings". The cute little fury creatures that we try to save from all sorts of predicaments. We know that the lemmings each have their own speciality. Some dig, some climb, some build and so on. Well we believe that Zone Empire players also exhibit "lemming-like" qualities.

RAMPER LEMMING

This type of Zone Lemming likes Zone sites with ramps. He can't get enough of them. You'll always find Ramper dug in on top of a platform in the maze. He will only come down from the platform when he is deactivated and his position on the platform is taken over by an opponent. He will also come down if he needs to reload. Ramper is uncomfortable at ground level. Usually he will not last long in this unfamiliar territory. His survival instincts soon kick in and he heads for the safety of the nearest ramp and platform as soon as possible. In team games Rampers hunt in packs and you will always find large groups of them dug in on top of any platform in the maze.

Look out for Ramper at any site that has ramps and platforms.

CROUCHER LEMMING

Croucher Lemmings can be found at ALL Zone 3 sites. They are the little creatures that crouch down into tight little balls behind any obstacle near them. Sometimes they crouch (somewhat dangerously at times) around the corner of a wall in the arena. When you pass the wall or obstacle, they will shoot you and then make a muffled laughing sound as your pack deactivates.

Mostly, they do not hunt in packs, choosing instead to "go it alone". However, sometimes you will find groups of Croucher Lemmings spaced fairly wide apart from each other, but all within hearing distance of each other. They will cry out if attacked to ask support from the other nearby Crouchers.

Crouchers are hard to see as you move through the maze because your eyes normally always scan far ahead for opponents instead of looking down at ground level. Croucher knows this is your weakness and he will exploit it to the best of his ability. There are those of us that say Croucher is a cheat, but times have changed and we have come to accept him. Look out for him at your Zone site.

JUMPER LEMMING

Jumper Lemming is not a hard creature to find. Depending on the situation in the game, seemingly normal Zone players will suddenly turn into uncontrollable, crazed, jumping idiots and hence it becomes obvious they are a Jumper Lemming. What is that situation that makes our Jumper Lemmings exhibit their jumping skills? Most of the time (but not always) it is the "stand-off" situation. The "stand-off" situation is normally when you are the player who is alive and the player next to you has been deactivated and is standing next to you, aiming their phasor at you, hoping to power-up and shoot you. If the deactivated player standing next to you is a Jumper Lemming then they will first look you in the eye and put on a barely detectable wry smile. After that they will start bouncing up and down, left and right, around and around like a silly jack-in-the-box in an effort to put off your aim as you try to shoot them. They have an ulterior motive, however. Not only are they trying to put off your aim with all their jumping around, they also know it helps them cover their pack! These Jumper Lemmings are cunni ng creatures, are they not!?

Some Jumper Lemmings bounce around the arena no matter what the situation. These Jumper Lemmings start their hopping and jumping the very moment they come across you in the course of play. These Jumper Lemmings do not have to be deactivated to demonstrate their idiotic tendencies. Like the Jumper Lemming in the "stand-off" situation, this variety of Jumper Lemming is hoping to put off your aim and is using the hopping and jumping around as an excuse to cover their pack.

Jumper Lemmings do not hunt in packs. Instead they "go it alone". Beware of them, sometimes they jump around so much they can be dangerous to both themselves and to you.

WHINGER LEMMING

Whinger Lemming. This type of "Zone Lemming" is very easy to spot no matter which site you are at. We are sure you all know of or have seen at least one. All we need to do is list some of Whinger Lemming's favourite lines and you will know what sort of creature we're talking about:

"My pack was stuffed", "My phaser was stuffed", "My phaser cable is stuffed", "They were tagging me", "The other packs weren't dying", "They were teaming up on me", "They covered their packs", "I don't cheat!", "My phaser didn't have a laser", "The IR in the phaser was out of alignment", "There was too much smoke", "I wasn't really trying", "They were shielding each other", "I had (insert number here) dead batteries"

Get the idea? There are heaps more lines we haven't listed. These lines are heard from Whinger Lemmings both during and after games.

We bet that most of you have used one or more of those lines (or a variation) before. Don't lie. Haven't you? So we are ALL Whinger Lemmings then aren't we?

PACK COVERER LEMMING

Like his cousins Whinger lemming and Croucher lemming, Pack Coverer lemming can be found at ALL Zone 3 sites.

Most pack coverer lemmings will not admit to the fact they cover their pack. They will communicate they DON'T DO IT and/or NEVER DO IT. But we are more cunning than they are and we know they are merely trying to fool us into believing they are fair and spirited lemmings who play the game for fun without breaking any of its rules. It is true there are lemmings out there who really believe they are not pack coverers. However, at some stage in the heat of the battle, these lemmings end up covering their pack (most without realising it) and show they too have pack coverer genes.

You will know you have encountered a pack coverer lemming when you see the dot from your laser hit your target's wrist or arm. When this happens you will most likely end up being deactivated yourself and there is usually little you can do about it.

Since the advent of the two-handed phaser, pack coverer lemmings have bred like wildfire. Their numbers were well down and controllable in the days of the one-handed phaser, but now it is a struggle to keep the pest at bay. There is, at this stage, no known way to combat their swelling numbers and this is indeed a concern for many of us. It is also a worry that there is no research being carried out into methods of solving this problem.

BUNNY HUNTER LEMMING

They wait. They wait patiently. They sometimes waits for hours. What are we talking about? We are talking about Bunny Hunter Lemmings.

I'm sure you've all seen them. Sitting on a chair in the corner just waiting for unsuspecting new players (known of course as "bunnies") to come in to play a game. They sit with their head resting in the palms of their hands. They look bored. But then ... in walk the bunnies ... and in one swift, rapid blur of movement bunny hunter lemming springs to life and almost literally sprints to the counter to pay money to be in the same game as the bunnies.

Some bunny hunter lemmings are not "sit in the corner" types. Instead they try to hide their identity by socialising with other players at the site. Yet, they always give themselves away when, no matter what happens, they only want to play games if the games are full of unsuspecting bunnies.

What is the motivation that drives these creatures? The answer is SCORES and AVERAGES. Bunny hunter lemmings simply must have the biggest, bestest score and the highest, greatest average they can possibly get. Scientists believe it has something to do with ego, but are as yet unable to confirm this suspicion. There is also the belief that bunny hunter lemmings have an inbred fear of losing games.

Thanks to good controls and carefully planned techniques, bunny hunter lemmings have never managed to reach plague proportions. Let's hope it stays that way.

FAIR LEMMING

This Zone Lemming is a dying breed. Fair Lemmings are almost on the endangered species list. Fair Lemmings are characterised by their ability to play the game of Zone 3 fairly and with honour. They do not cheat and they rarely complain.

All sorts of other Zone Lemming species are causing the rapid decrease in fair lemming numbers. Fair lemmings are hunted by pack coverer lemmings, bunny hunter lemmings, ramper lemmings, jumper lemmings and croucher lemmings. In an effort to avoid these other species, the fair lemming sometimes attempts to imitate or mimic the other species. In doing so, some fair lemmings get a taste of the methods used by these lesser species and they succumb to that species' bad ways. This "evolution" is what is killing off the fair lemming species and, slowly but surely, is what is making them all but extinct.

If you come across a fair lemming at your Ultrazone site, treat him or her with respect. They are a rare breed and should be looked after accordingly.

SCREAMER LEMMING

This is not an uncommon breed of lemming. In fact the screamer lemming is quite possibly the most abundant phyla of lemming there is. Indeed, such is the adaptability of a screamer lemming, they can be disguised as any other type of lemming AT ALL!!! Yes, screamer lemmings exist in all populations: Bunny hunters, Crouchers, Pack coverers, Complainers, Jumpers etc, you name the population, they've got a Screamer!!

There is no distinctive call or cry of the screamer lemming. They generally make the sort of noise they most feel like making at the time (in this way they are akin to Lyre birds). This is one of the examples of their great adaptability.

The general noises, though, are similair to these examples:

• - "RED ! RED! Can't you SEE! I'm f*****g RED , why are you shooting ME?" ( Fill in with any colour of choice)
• - "Will someone please come and HELP ME???"
• - "(BLEEP)ing Pack Coverers!!!"
• - "Don't let them get the base! Don't let them get the base! ...Now look what's happened! I told you not to let them get the base! Can't you defend? We were counting on you, and you've gone and let the team dow..."
• - "...Oh, shut up !" (these 2 heard together)
• - "(High pitched female voices (usually 2 of them) that scream so loud and long you can't make out what they're carrying on about. Not that you'd want to, anyway. We think its either some sort of mating or hunting cry.)

They have evolved, so to speak, in much the same way as most other lemmings do, with one exception.....after a new evolutionary shift, the older version of the screamer is not necessarily superceded! Therefore, it is easy to tell just where along the evolutionary pathway a particular screamer lemming is, simply by comparing to all other screamer lemmings. The general rule is, the louder the scream, the more evolved the screamer is. The more they use specific names of specific people in their screams (particularly those on their competition team), and the fact that their screams usually either take on the form of abuse or crys for help, is also another way of identifying a highly evolved screamer lemming.

Screamer Lemmings also have the curious feature of invoking the names and personal identities of other Screamer Lemmings (often at the top of their lungs), which are promptly ignored by those being screamed at. This is one of the features that helps to keep Screamer Lemmings evolving - you know, the louder they scream, the more they think that they're going to be heard.

Screamer lemmings should be avoided at all costs. They are not only be coming a pest (like the rabbit to Australia), they are also a danger to your hearing.

Screamer lemmings should become less of a problem, however, if they are completely ignored!

[Screamer Lemming was writtern by Unifix, a member of Zone 3 Northbridge, Australia.]

DEFENDER LEMMING

The Defender Lemming is definitely a rare one, closely related to the endangered 'Fair Lemming'. A Defender Lemming is willing to sacrifice a high score to hold off enemies getting their base, much to the enemies' frustration.

A good Defender Lemming will allow 1 or 2 enemies to hit their base. This usually happens while they're out getting bases for themselves. Most Defender Lemmings will get their bases in the early stages of the game, so as to protect the friendly base as long as possible. The Defender Lemming has but one true enemy, the dreaded 'Hang Around An Enemy Base For The Whole Game Lemming' who makes a Defender's life a hard one.

The Defender Lemming is not recognised for their efforts during the game as there are often players that have higher scores than them. They would like to be recognised by team-mates for all the effort they made, but the score part doesn't matter to the lemming. So make a note of any Defender Lemming you see on your team and say thanks, it was partly to do with him as to why you got top score.

[Defender Lemming was writtern by RoaDKiLL, a staff member of Zone 3 Northbridge, Australia.]

[All of the above "Lemmings" series is from the "Shark Sheet" newsletter.]